Guilt - A Hidden Persona?

“7 ways how GUILT can sabotage your life

AND strategies to overcome this”

Feeling Guilty is one of the most common emotions yet we carry this weight around for years, sometimes without realising.

• Do you have a nagging voice inside you questioning without fully knowing the answer? 
• Do you struggle with this and attempt to justify it in your own mind?

I know from my own experience feeling guilty was as natural as waking up in the morning. It became habit and an automatic response. Can you relate to this?

The good news is the response you choose can be changed.

1. Do you say Why Me?

Have you thought why me when things go wrong or why does this continually happen? Believe me you are not alone. You are a mum of a special needs child and the world as you once knew and had planned for suddenly changes and you are left blaming yourself. For many mums this is the most common question you ask yourself

           

Why me brings with it feeling a victim and you are blaming yourself for doing something wrong. Here’s the truth though, you have nothing to blame yourself for, and recognising the sign is the first step to address this.

Notice when you are starting to internalise your emotions and hearing that nagging voice. Share what you are thinking/feeling and talk this through. This will help to move forward and letting go of blame.

2. You feel bad asking for help (I feel embarrassed asking for help)

As mums we can all put our hands up to this, I know there have been times I’ve carried on and truthfully asking for help would have made things so much easier.

Asking for help does not mean you are not capable, it will allow you to focus on one or two things instead of taking on everything.

Think about the resources you have available to you right now and make a list of the people or items that can help. Asking for help can mean meeting up with a friend for a coffee and a chat - take care of self.

3. You are comparing yourself to others

This is especially true of any mother, yet as mothers with disabled children carry this weight with us whatever age of the child. I remember taking my child to other children’s birthday parties and spending most of the time on the climbing frames in the play centre while down below envying all the other mums drinking cups of tea and chatting together. In fact what was really happening was my child was able to experience the climbing frame for herself - so what I was with her, it was a joy to watch her laugh and enjoy herself. I feel actually the other mums missed out on their children’s experience that day. To this day I am so grateful I shared in this experience with my child.

Focus on the things you are grateful for now by writing down 5 things daily in a journal.

4. You shy away from me-time

Yes me-time. Time to spend on your own or with someone, away from your child. This can be an hour a week or 10 minutes a day. The important thing is this is ‘protected time’ just for you. Schedule in this time to make sure it becomes habit and not just a one-off. Do something you really enjoy.

Write down 10 things you personally enjoy and how you are going to start implementing at least 2 of these. Believe me you will feel so different.

5. Are you glass half empty or half full?

Do you always focus on negatives and find problems? How do you think this has an impact on guilt? Well by focusing on problems and negativity you are reinforcing the feeling of not being okay. In fact there is always a solution to a problem. If you have failed at something, rather than look at this as failure, focus on the lessons learnt from the mistakes. Every mistake created is an opportunity to learn and grow.

Think of a situation where you thought negatively and write down solutions for that problem. I guarantee there will be more than one solution.

6. You compromise on your needs

There are frequent times when you are meeting others needs yet put yourself last on the list. You are so focused on that hospital appointment making sure you are fully prepared or focused on that SENCO meeting at school, as you know this is your opportunity to put forward your views. Before you know it, you are exhausted and have no time for yourself.

Spend some time the night before thinking about the day ahead and schedule in one thing you will do for you. So when you look back on that one thing makes you feel content and happy. 

7. You can’t let go

Do you have people in your life that are ‘toxic’? By this I mean they regularly moan and complain about everything and generally make you feel low. Being around toxic people will reinforce the feelings of guilt you have. Its so easy to get caught up and not realise you are absorbing other peoples dramas. Create a support network that ‘supports’ you and brings happiness to your life. I think you deserve this and don’t feel guilty for doing what’s best for you.

It's Good to Talk!

Its good to talk!!

Or so they say, YET IS IT easy to talk about how you feel as a mum of a child with disabilities? It can be a lonely time when others look at you with empathy or even pity. Perhaps offering words of kindness yet secretly thinking I’m glad it’s not me. Words although said in good faith can sometimes come across as harsh and we smile politely but inside we are crying.

I know from my own experience how very lonely I felt even when in a group of mums. I seemed to be on the sidelines looking in and never part of the group. That was my interpretation. What was it that made me feel that way? Was it because my child couldn’t play with other children as they were all running around? Was it because I couldn’t share the milestones with mums because my child wasn’t achieving those? Actually it was both of these and the fact I felt so low I had nobody to talk to in the group.

At work I hid behind a persona and was desperate to carry on as before. Little did I know how wrong this was. Nobody understood how I was feeling and how withdrawn I became. Friends who I thought were friends disappeared. I kept thinking I should be happy having a supportive husband, a beautiful daughter, but I felt sad, permanently, trapped in my own head.  Other mums were getting on with being mums, what was wrong with me.  

The GP diagnosed depression and I was relived and felt a failure at the same time. I was always a strong and a together person, in control and suddenly those words hit me like a tonne of bricks. I was glad the GP listened to how I felt and acknowledged how low I was. It didn’t take away how lonely I felt, but it did make me feel someone listened to me and I wasn’t going mad. With the help of my GP I had a plan to my recovery.

So what ever you are feeling right now, IT IS good to talk. It takes what is in your head as possibly being bigger than the ‘real’ issue by saying the words out loud. Believe me saying how you feel is very different to hearing your internal voice in your head.

Here are a few ideas that may help:

1. If you are waking up in the mornings low, write down how you are feeling before you do anything else. Writing things down off loads your thoughts and you are sharing by writing.
2. At the end of each day write down 3 things that were positive that day or had a positive impact on you – made you feel good.
3. Talk to someone you feel comfortable with, a friend, a work colleague, family. This is someone who you feel will listen and offer genuine support.
4. Talk to your GP, it may just be a period in your life right now whereby you are feeling low. Your GP is there to listen and you can be completely honest.
5. Introduce Meditation to clear the mind. Used regularly Meditation can help eliminate negative thoughts, worries, anxiety, all factors that can prevent us feeling happy 
6. Above all do not suffer in silence, if you are feeling a certain way then its real, accept the way you feel and know it’s how you feel at this moment in time.